When In Doubt

I've loved every minute of my move to SD to date, but there have been some moments of doubt.  I know I did the thing I wanted, but was it what God wanted?  I prayed about it for months and was positive that He'd said "Yes," but did I misinterpret a "No" or a "Not now"?  I hadn't let anyone know I was starting to have these doubts.  I wasn't sure myself what the correct answer was, but I knew so many people had put a lot into helping me prepare, move, and settle in that I didn't want to possibly say it might have been for nothing.  Why these doubts when I was so certain before?  Because I didn't have a job!

I don't have a very desirable job skill set (CNA's aren't known for their awesome pay-grade or cool job... duties...), but I have one that is always hiring and easy to get hired if you know what you are doing.  I know, trust me, I know!  I've been a CNA for seven years (two years longer than I swore I'd ever be one!).  I have learned tricks and tips from CNA's of 20+ years and with the love for people that God has given to me, I've always excelled in my work.  I have never been unemployed for more than two weeks.  In fact, usually I've interviewed, hired and started a job within two weeks.  I'm starting my fourth week in SD, with no job.

What a time of learning this has been!  Although I've never been one to worry excessively, I'm simply not patient enough to sit around not working.  I moved to a new (and exciting) area and I am not able to go out exploring as I would like since I have to watch my finances until I start work.  I'm closer to my family but even tho I took one spontaneous trip to visit at the beginning, I can't do it again until I have a set schedule.  I've been applying and inquiring after 4-5 jobs a day.  Not receiving any replies back or scheduling any interviews was causing me to seriously question this move.  Learning to wait upon the Lord (it feels like learning to wait while waiting- does that make sense?) is not easy for me.  I'm not used to waiting for anything.  I go through life very fast and the slow moments are usually because something is requiring a little more time than I anticipated.   Having a full three and a half weeks of waiting may not seem long, but it's definitely a test for me.  It's learning contentment in a new way, it's learning patience again and again and again, it's learning to wait in the Lord, for the Lord, wait while spending my time with Him, it's learning to take these disappointments to my Jesus and leave them piled at His feet, because when I take them all back, I start to doubt my following or His direction.  

I am positive I'm not done learning these lessons. I know I will need reminders quite often of what I've learned from this time.  You know that "chant" said at church sometimes?   "God is good. All the time.  All the time, God is good."  I think it needs a little tweaking.  God is most definitely good, and He is always good all the time, but I've learned that His timing is also always good.  Today I received a job offer from the one interview I had over two weeks ago.  I was slightly discouraged by the interview (it was a group interview, my first!).  They had said they would call with their decision but hadn't yet.  It was the job I wanted, a job that I could learn more from, a medical field I had yet to work in, and I was so disappointed to not have heard back from them.  So God is good, all the time, and God's timing is always good!  I start Monday for orientation and am so excited for this opportunity He's given me.  Once again, God is faithful!

What Have You Known God To Be?

"What have you known God to be?"  A friend texted me that question yesterday.  I usually don't reply to his texts as they're "mass texts" he sends to a lot of people.  I still didn't reply, but I definitely have an answer.  I was kind of amazed at my answer because it came so fast.  I didn't take time to ponder and think it over, it was just there when I finished reading the text.  What was my answer? What have I known God to be? Faithful.

He's always been faithful.  I think this amazed me so much because you always hear of others claiming they can't feel Him with them, or He's not answering or being silent in times of great need or whatever.  I can't say I've ever thought these things, but I guess I just assumed I could relate, that it was probably like that once or twice.  I'm so grateful to know it hasn't been.  He's always been there, just like He promised, He's always faithful!

There has been many times when I've looked at the world and I've looked at God, at Christ, and was unappreciative of what He's done for me.  Because even though I have salvation, even though I experience amazing love and mercy and grace, I didn't have what the world offers.  There's no fancy clothes or cars or cash floating around.  I didn't go to parties that were wild or get drunk every weekend.  My friends had boyfriends or fiance's or husbands for companions and I have a torn family that I moved far away from.  I'm working my way through school and paying all my bills on my own while my classmates have everything handed to them from their parents.  For some odd reason, at different points in time, I've thought such things would be better than what I already had and have in God.  I've not been faithful in my walk with Christ, yet He's still faithful to me, never leaving my side.

John 10:27-30 is a Bible passage I learned in a children's church program called AWANA (which stands for Approved Workman Are Not Ashamed, taken from 2 Timothy 2:15- an amazing program!).  I had to recite these verses many times over the years I was in the program and really came to appreciate them and the significance they have on my life and my salvation.  I'm getting to appreciate all over again these verses as they show how truly faithful God is: " My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.  And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.  My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand.  I and My Father are one."

I cannot be snatched out of His hand.  He is greater than all.  He is so freaking powerful that His hand cannot be forced open, because this is the same hand that created the universe, the hand that formed man out of the dust of the ground, the hand that is constantly protecting me, sheltering me, guiding me, holding me.  I know this to be true because of my life.  The things I've gone through in my short years are not even ordinary events in a long life, but God was always faithful.  Through my close friend's brush with death and the scare that gives a teenager, He was faithful.  Through my parents separation and later divorce, He was faithful.  Through my brother's bike accident and the horrible things that could have happened because of it, He was faithful. Through having my heart broken and everything I thought was concrete shatter, He was faithful.  Through a broken relationship with my father, He was faithful.  Through moving so far away and having every opportunity present to walk away from the faith I was raised on, He was faithful.  Through my best friend being extremely ill and I was the only person near to try and help, He was faithful.  Through spiritual battles and long periods away from the church, He was faithful. Through all this and MUCH more, He's been faithful.  He IS faithful!

What about you?  What have you known God to be?  Good or bad, I'd like to know!  I might just text back my friend and let him know that answer to his question so he can know my answer.  I'm so grateful that He's been faithful!  I'll leave you with another verse.  A promise I hope I never forget!

Deuteronomy 31:6- "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you."

My Christmas Lists...

Happy Second Day of the New Year! :-D I had a wonderful Christmas (three of them actually!) and slept thru the "New Year" or the clock turning midnight... It's a tradition of mine to sleep thru it each year, I've only missed one or two years my whole life. Want to know what I got for Christmas? I know you do! Here's some of my favorite things:

-A Cake Pops mold and sticks (the good kind you actually use cake for!)
-A Shoe Cookie Cutter (Fashionable AND Edible, can it get any better?)
-The cutest apron (with shoes on it!)
-A Party Planning book (haven't had time to crack it open yet, but it's so on my calendar!)
-A small creative Cupcake book and a 30-minute Vegetarian book (both have GREAT ideas!)
-A marvelous and wonderful Craft Table (to save my room from the tornado known as "Nicole's craft mess")

And HERE'S my absolute favoritest presents of them all!

-Seeing my family and spending time with them!
-Hugging my nieces over and over and seeing their smiles meant just for me
-Seeing my brother in his Navy blue dress uniform walk down the stairs at the airport and feeling so proud of him
-Getting to tell everyone I hold dear that I love them at least one more time

I truly appreciate the money spent on presents for me, the fun stuff, the stuff I need, the stuff I want... The older I get, the more I realize the value of those tangible gifts are nothing compared to being hugged by my dad, laughing with my sisters, talking with my mom in the same room, having a conversation that no one else can follow with my brother or chasing my nieces and hearing their squeals of happiness.

As another year is heading my way (I'm turning 25 this week!!!!) I'm reminded more and more of my blessings and I hope to cherish them a lot more than I have been. I don't do "New Year Resolutions", and I don't plan to start. What I like to do is look back over the past year and take the time to thank Christ for my blessings. Here's some of my favorite's and biggest (or just the ones I remember...):

-My salvation thru Jesus Christ and His constant work in my life
-Another year of health insurance
-Making it thru my first whole year back at school
-The opportunity to see my family more often than in past years
-My job that allows me to go to school full time and work full time and have time for homework
-My co-workers who keep me sane during some days at my job
-Having my older niece for two weeks during the summer and being able to spend that time with her without other obligations
-Meeting new people and forming new friendships
-Having a car that is 10 years old, over 140,000 miles and still working
-The chance to see relatives I hadn't seen in years (anywhere from 2 years to over a decade!)
-Being able to attend my younger nieces first birthday
-Traveling to new places and out of state
-Keeping and deepening the friendships I have with my oldest and dearest friends (and now their husbands and some of them their children)
-My family
-My Mom
-My Dad
-My older Sister
-My younger Brother
-My younger Sister
-My older Niece
-My younger Niece
-My Grandma Penny and Donny
-My Grandma J and Papa
-My Aunts and Uncles and Cousins
-My best friend and my two closest friends in Sac-Town
-SO MUCH MORE!

I have so many blessings in my life! I'm slowly learning to take the time to enjoy them and rejoice in them as they are gifts from my Savior, but I still have a long way to go! :-P How was your Christmas/New Years?

P.S.- Believe it or not, this was not the blog I was intending to write! I was going to post pictures of my adorable nieces and tell about my holiday adventures... Maybe next time LOL

If Ever I Fall in Love...

For any that know me well, you know that I can count on one hand the number of guys I've ever had a "crush" on. I was never one to go ga-ga over the fellas or become a screaming fan over stars or what-not. BUT! The only "famous" crush you could say I sort of had was started on my 16th birthday. A friend gave me a CD she thought I'd like because of the awesome harmonies in it. She was right, I loved it, but more than that, I totally developed a little crush on the male singer, just from his voice! Then I saw his pictures and I "crushed" a little more.



LOL I went and bought more of this groups CD's and when their final one came out I was so sad! Even sadder, in his "thank you's" he mentioned a girl's name and then said something along the lines of *I smile a special smile* and my crush deflated. I can't and won't "like" a guy who isn't available, regardless if I've even met him or not. Years pass to now and I still listen to those CD's often, I love the lyrics and harmonies and just the whole feeling of worship when I listen. Every now and then I wonder if he ever got married to his girl and that's that, nothing more...

Today, searching for a certain song that I have to play for and having never heard it before, I was on YouTube and just had a weird curiosity to see if this group ever made any music videos. So I typed their name in and the first song I clicked on had the MySpace addresses for this brother and sister duet... Yes, I totally went to his MySpace, come on, I was like SO curious! More so because I found out he's gone solo since then and I had no idea AND he's written for and produced some songs for some of my (current) favorite bands (Tenth Avenue North and Brandon Heath). I had no idea that he'd been so busy!

Yes, he's married and has a little girl. Good thing I gave up that "crush", huh? The reason I've been sharing all this is because I really liked two songs in particular of this group, probably because they're so close to my heart in it's contents. While I was looking over some of their stuff I remembered them and how at one point I had claimed them as mine.

Song #1 Lyrics:

I don't know if you're near or far away
But I know that I'm thinking of you today
I don't know if I even know your name
But I know that I'm praying for you just the same
Someday we'll fall in love
You'll be mine and I will be yours
Our hearts will be one
And our love will ever endure

CHORUS
Then I'll need you, and I'll want you
And I'll find you someday
Then I'll love you, then I'll hold you
And I'll be with you always

Our love will be so strong and pure
You will make me feel like I have never felt before
You will be perfect only for me
You will make these eyes begin to see
Someday we'll fall in love
You'll be mine and I will be yours
Our hearts will be one
And our love will ever endure
CHORUS
Your faith for the Lord will be strong
Even though I know the wait is long
And though I'm young I still belive
That you're out there praying for me
CHORUS
CHORUS


Song #2 Lyrics:

What have we done?
We have lessened our thoughts on love
Some say, there is as many as three
But I believe that there's one for me
One for me
If God could make the stars in the sky
Then why can't He make a perfect"you and I"?
And we shouldn't even have to try
Or compromise in our lives
CHORUS
And it will feel like summertime
When I'm by your side, my skies are blue
And I will this every time
Like oceans wide, my love for you
My love for you

I believe in the soulmate kind of dreams
Where even in the trials we'll say it's all worthwhile
And in our lives there's an
Orchestra of things
Both major and minor keys,
butLove will always sing
CHORUS
And through time, our hearts
Will melt and mold together
You know, despite what people say
I'll hold to the promise of that day forever.
CHORUS

I'm a leader for young girls at my church's youth group. They're a GREAT bunch of girls, but they think my view on relationships and romance is weird and beyond old fashioned. I find their comments amusing, but I know God has something wonderful in store for me and I honestly don't want to ruin it. For all I know, I may not have an earthly romance, but my romance with Him will be a life-long journey. I decided when I was thirteen that I didn't want to kiss a man who wouldn't be my husband, and the only way for sure to do that is to wait till you're married, so if I ever get married, that will be my first kiss. I also don't want to have so many relationships that I end up with less than a whole heart to give, so I will not date, and I'm trusting God to bring to me the only man He intends me to be with. The girls laugh the most at this one, they want to know how it's even possible. My reply is God's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The God who brought Rebeca to Isaac can also bring someone to Nicole, I know! LOL

Anyway, the sister in this group recently wrote another song and it's beautiful... It's a continuation of a love story, one that hasn't ended, is still going, is better than the wait, than the start, and it keeps getting better! Here are those lyrics:

When we first met
When we first kissed
When only dreams had felt like this
Surprised by how I let you in
Boy meets girl it all begins

To say that things were different then
Makes it sound like it’s the end

Love it grows up
It gets old
And it gets better
Time will have it’s way
But these Hearts will age together
I’m determined to let go of
Everything I thought it was
For something stronger
Something deeper
(Something richer, Something sweeter)
For love grown up

I know each line
I love your face
It takes me to my favorite place
Your easy smile
Your tattooed skin
They comfort me & draw me in

You know that I’m completely yours
No matter what the future has in store

The memories
Like the colors in these photographs are fading
But you and I are holding on to all that grace has given us today
For something stronger
For something deeper

It can be a challenge sometimes to still wait, to keep giving my dream of a beautiful earthly romance to Christ, but I don't want to settle for anything less, ever! The days that I yearn for companionship, I've learned to cry out to my Maker. The nights when I want to be held, I'm rocked to sleep in the arms of my Comforter. Those moments when I need to be cherished, my Savior reminds me of His scars. Yes, if ever I fall in love, it will have been well worth the wait!